I am a weak man, young and
depraved in mind. I married at
twenty one years old. What a fool
I was. Twenty three now and out
of control! To think that I knew
love. Wasn't I just in love with her
body? How pretty she was that
night in the garden in Alexandria.
She sat there like an angel - more
like a siren! Glowing in a white
sun dress, a holy glow, that will
never leave me and disengages
my mind from all other thoughts
when it penetrates this young
foolish head. Her hair was short,
amber and red though I did not
notice until we walked together
beneath the lights of the café,
where I took her. How quickly I
held her hand. I was soft, but not
hesitant. She was mine, somehow
I knew in the bowels of my own
hell. Why do I use such harsh
words? I was never too lustful
and it was not common for me to
be with women, but I had
examined my own heart enough
the previous year in the dormitory
alone at night, shifting between
prayer and desire.
I'm sitting on the train alone, with
one passenger beside me - a
priest, and a woman in front of
me, my age. When I got on the
train I hid my face from her, as if
to hide my shame, as if she were
my wife. Every woman on this
train had my wife's face. She
would not leave me alone! I
dared to say a word to the priest
to redirect my thoughts.
"Where are you headed?" I asked
him."To Oakton Hills," His voice
was common for an old man,
with a weak and trembling tone."I
am marrying an old friend of
mine."At these words my heart
sank."Oh?" I said."An old friend,
you say?" I inquired, thinking this
soon to be married man must be
much older than I!"Are you a
Christian?" He asked me in a soft
voice with a light in his eye. He
looked peacefully upon me."You
seem rather downcast, if you
don't mind me saying so." He
said."Is this man of great virtue,
that you are marrying?" I asked,
as if to change the subject, but
unconsciously wondering for my
own sake if he could be as bad as
I? Who could be?"He is a good
man," he said, "Not without his
flaws, but a good man
nevertheless."
In my heart I felt it unnecessary
to engage him in any further
discussion. I should have said
nothing and buried myself in the
newspaper. Any word from this
man was sure to increase my
misery and convict me...but he
went on his own from there.
"Look at those who have lived
lives of value. Have they all been
without vice, ever striving for
purity and irrationally harsh upon
themselves as the hermits and
saints of old? Indeed, we as
believers are called not to be
conformed to the world, but
what does this mean?"
"I don't know," I said, "I try not
to compare myself to the saints.
I'm a sinner still, though I do
believe in Christ."
He continued:
"Are we to assume that everyone
in the whole world is bad and
following after their own lusts? I
say no. If we are called to not be
of the world, I say we are also to
love those in the world, even the
things that exist in the world, for
they are worthy creations of God,
and also part of his plan. If I were
to hate everything in the world
and everyone in the world than I
would hate my neighbor. Then I
would be harsh upon the sinner,
but I will do no such thing. If that
makes me a heretic, then so be it.
I believe I know that The Lord
loves all, and no man shall be
without his grace. All shall come
to repentance and faith, each in
their own order, I believe...as St.
Paul has said. To say otherwise
would mean we men have
thwarted God's plan of salvation.
How could one live, if they are
madly striving to be perfect and
are so hard upon themselves? I
say they will do the world and
their fellow man no good
whatsoever." I nodded my head
in agreement as though he was
allowing my perversions. But how
could he be? He's a priest after
all.
"Was King David perfect? Did he
not have passions like the rest of
us and even follow through with
them? He knew that he was loved
by God, but was not obsessed
with being holy. To me it is
inconceivable that I should, or
even anyone I know, take
someone's husband and kill them
so that they could be with their
wife. And yet this was a beloved
child of God! Was God caught off
guard by David's actions? No, he
knew all along that David would
make such a horrendous decision,
and yet he even got to keep the
woman for his own! Doubtless, he
enjoyed much pleasure with
her...and then Jacob, who fooled
his brother out of his birthright;
Jacob who had two wives himself!
And Solomon with his lust for
power and women. He knew The
Lord and yet he failed to deny his
passions on every level. What a
mistake it would be to follow
after these men as role models,
and how hard it is to conceive of
polygamy this day in age to be a
noble pursuit!"
I shook my head in agreement
with him. "You're right," I said.
"The trouble two wives would
cause!" I laughed, and felt at ease
in the priest's presence.
"For if a man even lusts, that is,
covets after a woman, he has
committed adultery with her. If
we take coveting to mean some
desire, then we have grossly
misunderstood the meaning of
the message. Who is without
some desire? But if we see that
coveting is a desire that is so
strong that it may lead to hurting
another, then we can see what he
meant."
Indeed, I would be hurting my
wife, I thought. Did he know?
"We may use King David as an
example," He continued. "Was it
wrong for him to desire every
wife and concubine that he had?
For he had many. If it were, then
why wasn't he struck down by
God? Why was he not cursed
every day of his reign, to never
experience God's favor? Yet he
did do wrong. He did wrong
when he lusted for a woman to
such a measure that he went as
far as to kill her husband. It is
noble then, I believe, to live as
best we can, striving to love one
another and do no harm. Do no
harm, I say! But if we do wrong,
we should repent. If our
conscience convicts us, we should
repent. But let us not make a
habit of repenting to the point of
losing faith in God's grace. Our
lives should be more centered on
continuing to live right, then on
the small acts of wrong" How
gentle and significant his words
seemed at this moment, and his
voice softened.
"If David had lost faith because
he loved women and power, then
his kingdom would have
crumbled. Yet he prospered. He
prospered in spite of his flaws.
Then, let us not be too harsh
upon ourselves, and much less
upon others."
His words cut to the heart at this
point. It was as if he knew that I
was headed to meet a woman
who was not my wife. I was about
to take what was not given to me.
Something about his words,
though, something, was so
exemplary of God's grave, that
the very thought of following
through with my lust, was a
complete shattering of my
covenant with him. But I felt
different knowing I was not hated
by God, knowing that I would not
be forever cursed for my actions.
I was so sure of his love, because
of these words, that I could do
nothing but change my heart.
My stop came, so I got up, said,
"Thank you father," and sat on
the station bench, to wait for the
next train home to my wife.